Celeb Crystal Ball

posted: 4 March 2008 by Jim Butler

We gaze into our crystal ball of celebrity to look on in tremendous wonder at what will categorically certainly most definitely happen in the next seven days. Give or take a few porkies...

Katie Holmes
What Will Happen This Week
Katie will cross the road without Tom Cruise by her side. Tom is very angry at this blatant display of arrogance.

Katie will have her photo taken with her new best friend Victoria Beckham. They are both unable to smile.

Katie will turn down the much sought after role of a late 20s mute dominated by her freak husband because 'something doesn't feel right about the part'. This despite it being odds on to gain an Oscar nod next year.

What Won't Happen This Week
Katie will admit that she can't stand soccer, or football, or whatever game it is that David plays.

Katie will fulfill her youthful promise.

Katie will take a tablet in an attempt to quell the strange voices in her head.


Ashley Cole
What Will Happen This Week
Ashley will change his surname by deed poll to Tweedy.

Ashley will stomp his feet all week after being left out of Chelsea's quiz team.

Ashley will spend obscene amounts of cash on a shitty stick.

What Won't Happen This Week
Ashley will make a public apology for all the hurt he has caused his beautiful wife.

Ashley will go straight home after training and cook his beautiful wife an exquisite three-course romantic meal.

Ashley will go for a quiet drink just around the corner from Arsenal's new ground. He certainly won't talk to any hairdressers.


Will Ferrell
What Will Happen This Week
Will will (it's what the ladies call him, dontcha know) star in an ironic flick about a stunt man in the 70s who rides over canyons and sports enormous stars'n'stripes briefs.

Will will star in an ironic flick about a harmless porn baron who makes it big (yes indeedy) in the 70s. He sports an enormous handlebar tache for the part.

Will will star in an ironic remake of the Six Million Dollar Man - don't worry it was massive in the 70s. Will will sport all sorts of 70s clothing and accoutrements. He's very 70s.

What Won't Happen This Week
Will will have a breakdown on some chat show - the tears of a clown and all that.

Will will appear on a new hot TV strand entitled I Hate The 70s!

Will will begin rehearsals for the big screen adaptation of Swan Lake.

Jim Butler - In 1996 Jim thought all his Christmases had come at once when Eric Cantona called him ‘mate’. Ten years later he met four-fifths of Girls Aloud. He still can’t decide which event excites him more. In the meantime he whiles away the working day writing and devising content for Channel 4’s mobile portal.